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Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!

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diet log May 21, 2008 [May. 21st, 2008|06:59 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
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double americano w/ cream and a flax bran muffin from starbucks
one multigrain wasa cracker w/ homemade guacamole.
stir fried broccoli and mushrooms w/ white rice from Panda Inn
Vanilla ice cream w/ chocolate syrup.
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diet log May 20, 2008 [May. 20th, 2008|04:41 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
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More Kashi for breakfast.
Then I had a peanut butter wasa cracker.
Some kinda crazy filipino cookie snack.
I ate some of my homemade spinach curry w/tofu
another peanut butter cracker.
and a giant kashi pizza!
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Diet Log May 19, 2008 [May. 19th, 2008|07:18 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
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[mood |chipperchipper]

I'm gonna keep track of what I eat.

Today, it was 2 eggs scrambles w/sage and sasquatch toast, and kashi honey almond flax w/ goat's milk.
Then peanut butter sourdough cracker.
Celery heart.
2 Odwalla meal bars. Bleh.
'nother cracker.
Now I'm eating a couple slices of Leary pizza, and drinking homemade xylitol limeade.
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Reflections [May. 15th, 2008|09:00 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
Looking back on the years of entries in this journal, I can trace a path of personal progress.
Oh, tea's ready.

With this new Integral System, I can understand my former perspectives in a completely new light.

I started this journal over four years ago; I was terribly insecure and highly self-conscious. But, after just a few weeks of blogging, I began to reveal my Relativistic nature. I posted entries about the evolving consciousness of the human race, and I even wrote an essay wherein I quoted Ken Wilber, having no idea who he was or what his research entailed.

I just happened to have a Sri Aurobindo book lying around, which I never read very deeply because of its heady, dry nature. I could probably handle it now, though. Ken Wilber wrote the forward, and it was exactly what I needed to use as "research." I just wrote an essay using whatever theory I had personally concocted based on what little I understood of chemistry, cosmology and what was presented in the "New Age" theories. I had to cite research sources, so I just found some people I'd never heard of, like Ken Wilber, who seemed to agree with me, and used their words without ever reading their works.

Well, years later, I've read me some Ken Wilber.

I am a Wilberian.

Ken Wilber can do this:


So I wrote Evolution of Consciousness all those years ago, and posted it on this journal. It under Memories, I think.

And I can trace my emotional path through all those years, had I the patience to sift through the entries and pontificate.

So, has anyone out there read Prometheus Rising yet?
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I am Integrally Informed [May. 13th, 2008|06:02 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
Well, I'll be gaining one experience level now, as I place myself on the Wilber-Combs lattice.

Photobucket

I've unlocked some nasty barriers in my mind, and seem to be approaching the Teal Zone. 2nd Tier, baby.


Meditation rates are up to about 45 minutes a day. I hope this is my new center of gravity. Its only been about 3 weeks.

Nutrition was way up for a while, but waned this week. Instead of starting a diet log on Monday as I intended, I ate some string cheese instead. At least I finally brought some oatmeal home.

Goals: make diet log and add evening zazen to routine.

I'll move to Olympia in 6 weeks, where I'll work for a couple of weeks at an organic farm, or maybe a daycare somewhere. I'll join Aikido of Olympia and 10x magnify my self-improvement time.
Also, there will be a master cleansing from maybe July 16 to July 26.

Must find apartment. Need to live alone. I may not be able to keep up this rate of momentum if I'm subject to the emotional rockiness of a roommate situation. Regressing is my worst fear, so paying higher rent would be worth the security of isolation.

But, I told Noah I'd move in with him, so I'd better clear things up soon.

Can't get enough of Ken Wilber. I wish I could buy a copy of Prometheus Rising for each of my friends.
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Home stretch [Mar. 22nd, 2008|10:56 am]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
Finally mars is finishing up its extended stay in Cancer. Just about 6 more weeks, I think.

White Tantric Yoga was incredible.

I was moved to tears. The only explanation would be that WTY is intended to purify, and that the process of cleansing one's soul is a painful one.

After that, Ardas and I spent the week together at an americorps conference in yakama. It feels like we've reached a healthy and balanced place in our relationship, and I think we're ready for the next three or four months of only seeing each other at the monthly team meeting.

I'll move to Olympia in June and begin settling in. Classes start sept 29.

I've decided against shaving my head this march 20th, and upon deciding so, I've been visited by nightmares of the past. Full moons are difficult times for me.

I'd better meditate this morning. I skipped it yesterday for the first time since I started 2 weeks ago.

Nah, this full moon's kickin my ass. Its cigarette and coffee meditation this morning. I'll return to my normal morning routine tomorrow, and I'll meditate in the evening tonight.

I've been reading Ken Wilber, and its changing the way I see other people. I finally know what is meant by "meet them at their level"

Next is Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman, because mike recommended it.
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resolution [Jan. 14th, 2008|08:06 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
I'll try to write in this thing more often.

Even though I don't have a tangent off on which to go.

I can't believe I slammed my beloved cat's head in the door tonight.

I wailed, which scared her more than have her skull impacted.

She seems fine, if only a bit...sluggish...

She's fine.

She's fine.

She really wanted outside.

She's fine.

Oh, Ardas.

I've been seeing her for, i dunno, months?

I met her on the first day of the new americorps service year, so, 9/4/07, and I thought she might be Ahr Das, like Ram Das or Bhagavan Das. Turns out I wasn't far off.

Ardas means, ah,
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php?title=Ardas

Oh, hell yeah. SikhiWiki!

Well, she's a white girl from indiana named anna, who became 'Ardas' after being named by, ah, some yogi.

Now, to continue, I must explain that I am in a major transition period in my life, and this is being influenced by a number of factors, including the writings of Robert Anton Wilson, and the Pagan nudist ontological terrorists who've introduced me to his ideas.

Holy shit. "the acceleration" is still an incomplete thought, and here I go starting a new one. This is why I procrastinate my writing.

In a nutshell, Robert Anton Wilson (RAW) reveals quite skillfully that no one has ever directly interfaced with the "real" universe. We humans, being subject to the interpretations of the supposed "real" universe through only our nervous systems, aided by various mechanical instruments, have only our brains' "3D interactive model" of the universe to observe.

Therefore, there exists (hopefully) a "real" universe "out there" and a perceived universe "within".

I would love to go into detail, but I think I'll save it until I finish "the acceleration"

I have to present the concept of "reality tunnels" however. Basically, if we each live alone within our own unique "perceived universe", then no one can ever agree completely with anyone else. We each exist in our own reality tunnel, which is determined by major psychological imprinting, (I am cowardly or brave, dominant or submissive, smart or dumb, moral or immoral), more malleable psychological conditioning (alarm clocks make me fear repercussions of being late for work, hilary clinton's voice makes me cringe because of how many angry matrons have scolded me in my lifetime), and quite mutable learning (Oh, I thought fruits and vegetables were different, but now I know that all fruits are vegetables, ending the tomato dispute once and for all).

These conditions dictate which reality tunnel you might live in. One might live in a Nazi reality tunnel, or a christian reality tunnel. Maybe a vegetarian reality tunnel, or a reality tunnel where UFOs are spacecraft from other galaxies.

Point being, Ardas lives in a completely different reality tunnel than I, and this is increasingly apparent.

She's got less than an inkling of an idea of what a true monogamist's romance is, which completely floors me. I thought everyone knew what a monogamist relationship is.

But she's doing her best. Its extremely cute. She breaks up with me every couple of hours, but she always comes back with a revelation about monogamy that seems promising.

That's an exaggeration. But she has broken up with me and reconstituted the relationship several times within a single day before. That was last month. This month, she's only done it once. To me, that shows progress.

I'm writing this with the intention that she may read it someday and laugh.

We have shown an amazing potential to teach each other. We each seem to have exactly the lesson the other seems to need.

Before moving to washington from indiana in august, she had lived in a kundalini ashram for 4 years. There, she described the lifestyle as being health conscious and generally conscious, but being rife with social drama and subversive conflict.

"Kundalini yoga is bullshit," she says. She practices daily, but she means that it is an incomplete philosophy. One may become empowered through kundalini (as is the case with her. Phew!) but one will not become enlightened.

As I can imagine, men empowered through kundalini have no interest in monogamy, as they have actualized a deeply rooted male instinct: propagate at all costs! These men must be very powerful and attractive individuals, but are instable as long-term partners. This is the case with Ardas' experience.

I only desire stability, because progress can only be made in a stable environment. One may not build upon quicksand, as it were.

This concept is understood by Ardas in its theory, but seems so constrictive that she often finds herself apprehensive about its implications.

She often shares with me her revelations about monogamy. She seems excited to reveal things like, 'I was attracted to him, but I thought of you and decided I was happy with what I have!"

This is hilarious to me! I just live in such a different reality tunnel that I can only imagine what she must be going through.

She is an absolute natural existential philosopher. While not having considered it much in the past, she seems to take to the philosophy of existence as a duck to water. I believe that her extensive yoga experience has trained her to look within, and her natural Arien intelligence and sense of structure have paved her way.

She has taught me a great deal. As someone who has approached enlightenment from an equally flawed strategy, her knowledge of the metaphysical theories and energetics are linking into to my mental framework like legos.

I've been approaching an enlightened state though the exhaustion of my logical capacities and the forced elevation of my consciousness through experimentation with psychoactive chemicals. I lack the framework, or constitution of the nervous system, to sustain any elevated state.

Likewise, she may be able to sustain much higher levels of cognitive elevation, but her struggles with ego and fear (ego and fear are identical in my theory) restrict her progress and cause her doubt.

Like legos.

Anyway, she's coming over tomorrow night, so I'd better vacuum. She lives a 80 minutes away, so I only see her monthly or so.

We plan to go to a White Tantric Yoga seminar in march. I sure hope she doesn't break up with me before then!

Sat Nam!
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1/13/08 Dream entry [Jan. 13th, 2008|11:33 am]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
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I was just talking about the symbolism of dreaming of cats the night before. I've also been arguing on the internet against people of different "preferred thinking styles." For example, I will argue using Logic (3rd Circuit Semantic Reasoning), against someone using feelings (like nationalism and patriotism) (2nd Circuit Emotional Territorialism), or I will argue using Logic against someone using faith (4th Circuit social/sexual morality/guilt). Using Logic only works with other Logic users, I should use Faith to argue faith, and emotions to argue emotions. Otherwise, no meaningful communication is occurring. I've been using this exercise to practice stifling my own 2nd circuit emotional territorialism, because there is always a danger of being pulled down to 2nd circuit thinking by 2nd circuit thinkers. Everyone has a limit, a threshold that, once crossed, causes one to sink into mouth-foaming, feet-stomping, ass-kickin' rage. I hope I never feel that way again, and my dream last night displayed my internal struggle.



I dreamt of David Swing, the guy for whom my high school girlfriend left me, and we were very angry with each other. He was acting like Ethan Warner, a person who pushes my buttons. I never actually knew David very well, and when I did get to meet him, he seemed like an alright guy. So, while David played the role of my aggressor, it was Ethan Warner's behavior that he was modeling.
It was a dream of traveling in a group, like a summer camp or something. We were out in nature, I think we were on a lake at some point, and we spent time in cabins. There were several scenarios where my normal behavior would enrage David, because he was projecting some insecurity of his onto me.
At one point, I turned to him and said something to antagonize him. He turned and punched me in the face. I smiled at him and asked him to do it again.
He turned red, and began punching me in the face repeatedly, until he was out of breath.
My perspective shifted from inside my head to somewhere else in the room, where I got a good look at my face. I was crying.
Back inside my head, I asked David if he felt any better after releasing his anger. He didn't.
So I invited him to continue punching me until he felt satisfied.
He began to realize that he would never be satisfied in hurting me, because he was only really angry with himself.

Then I dreamed of a beautiful blonde woman (my lover, Ardas, a character I haven't introduced to this journal yet) playing with a cat. She smiled at me and I sat down to talk with her. The cat jumped to the floor where it found a sealed package of shrimp. It began to open the plastic package and eat the shrimp.

I said that it was good that the cat found something to eat.
She picked up the package and said, "No, look."

Wriggling in the brine of the shrimp was a vile black worm. I noticed that I had been eating the shrimp also, and began to spit the shrimp flecks into a sink and rinse out my mouth.

Later, on a boat, David was still really angry with me.
I told him that it was appropriate for him to tell me about his feelings. I wanted him to know that I would listen to him without judging him. His brow furrowed like a caveman trying to understand the wheel.
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What a great tarot deck [Dec. 29th, 2007|11:17 am]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Herbie Hancock]

I think it was called the Wisdom Well. Its a tarot set based on Jungian archetypes.

I asked the deck to reveal the nature of the next obstacle in my life.

It gave me the inverted hermit, inverted beggar and inverted sufferer.

The hermit and sufferer, both inverted, I interpret to represent my current life lessons.
Inverted hermit indicates leaving my ivory tower and becoming a more socially dynamic person, complete with team ethic and a feeling of self-worth in social situations. This has always been a challenge for me, because I too often hide myself behind a persona and hinder the team's progress by failing to synchronize with their thinking.

Inverted sufferer tells of suffering with a purpose, perhaps on purpose, as a means of honing one's self. Castaneda writes of the Petty Tyrant, a person whose insecurity and fear of their own lack of power causes them to control the actions, thoughts and feelings of others. Castaneda writes of the importance of finding a Petty Tyrant and putting one's self under their influence without resistance. This allows one to cultivate forgiveness and strength. Perhaps I am so fond of this idea that I choose to suffer unnecessarily.

The inverted beggar raised some questions for me. It represents a non-committal attitude, and a selfish arrogance, as though I think I could get something for nothing. This struck me as the heart of my internal struggle, and I asked the tarot deck to clarify.

In clarifying the inverted beggar card, the deck showed me the cards of persona, shadow and the inverted teacher.

In a nutshell, persona represents a multi-faceted personality, shadow speaks of an evil side hidden away from my conscious awareness, and in the inverted teacher indicated confusion and a lack of reconciliation. Obviously to me, there is a powerful shadow force within me that I am unable to reconcile with my other personalities. I cannot become a fully integrated whole without reconciling my inner darkness, a side with makes me shudder. I've buried my evil, selfish and cruel Brian years ago, and I think he's upset that he's not on the stage to much anymore.

I asked the deck to further clarify the nature of my shadow. Specifically, I asked it to reveal the nature of my dark self that I am unable to integrate.

The deck revealed the Demon Queen, inverted power, and the Mandala.

I gots woman troubles. The women in my life are beautiful and compassionate creatures who nurture and support me. However, my shadow side hates and fears women, and the Demon Queen speaks volumes about this. Not only do I project that all women will ultimately reject me because I am worthless, but I also desire to be controlled and dominated by the tyrannical Demon Queen, the all-controlling woman who will ruin my life and steal my soul, but free me of my personal responsibilities. I crave to be hurt by woman, so that I can prove my worthlessness to myself.

Inverted power reveals those feelings of worthlessness, as well as remarking on my hideous ability to sabotage myself. I have always felt that I am my own worst enemy, and while this is true for everyone, I feel strongly that I often sabotage myself, often to please the Demon Queen. This also indicates to me that I require a vast amount of power, physical, spiritual, mental, etc., in order to feel comfortable in my own self. I also sabotage myself by surrendering my power, usually to the Demon Queen, who we've established as the symbol of evil, oppressive and heartless women.

The Mandala ties the reading together perfectly. In fact, I laughed out loud as I read the description. The Mandala indicates the great cosmic order, synchronicity, and my great ability to pay attention. In paying attention to my power struggle with the Demon Queen, I realize that I am the one in control. This archetype also indicates that I am on the path to success. I am paying attention to synchronistic events and piecing their meanings together like a masterful puzzle solver. In Goldschneider's personology system, I am the Puzzling Purist Enigma on the path of Versatility. I have the ability to absorb a very broad perspective, often so broad that it induces complacency, the root of the problem revealed by the inverted beggar card, which was the launching point for all of my inquiries.

So, I'm gonna go buy this crazy tarot set. It answered all of my questions with pinpoint accuracy. The solution to my problem: Pay attention. I have everything I need and I'm doing well. Synchronicity is happening to me, and I see it often. I must cultivate faith in my ability to perceive it, and it will guide me.

My inner darkness has been recently revealed to me in a pay I couldn't have predicted. In spending more time with the high-vibration people that I've found though following synchronistic clues, my inner darkness is beginning to "shine" through.

I see it in my reflection. Whereas before I only saw skin and hair, I now see a looming darkness exuding from my aura. I think it must be standing out to me because of the contrast provided by my healthy and spiritually minded friends.

I am comfortable in the underworld of my mind. I dive into the depths of my worst fears and insecurities for fun. I choose to suffer there to strengthen myself, learn and grow. But this behavior has taken its toll on my soul. I must endeavor to cleanse myself in pure light. The only remaining task is to find a way to feel worthy of pure light.

I'll keep paying attention...
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2007|05:55 pm]
Mr. Molecule is able to concentrate!

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Existentialism

Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.



“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”

--Jean-Paul Sartre



“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”

--Blaise Pascal



More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...


Existentialism


100%

Utilitarianism


75%

Hedonism


65%

Strong Egoism


65%

Justice (Fairness)


45%

Kantianism


40%

Nihilism


20%

Apathy


5%

Divine Command


0%


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